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3 Thessalonians
Chapter 1
(1:1) Paul, and Silvanus, and Timotheus, unto the church of the Thessalonians which is in God the Father and in the Lord Jesus Christ: Greetings, morons.
(1:2) Forgive my language, for my companions assist me in this letter, and believe, as I do, that a dog could learn our commands faster than you.
(1:3) But I recant, my dearest brethren.
(1:4) We are bound to thank God for you, as your faith and love for one another groweth.
(1:5) And yet, we also wonder what exactly it will take for you to put two and two together.
(1:6) We shall glory in our Lord Jesus once ye people show the mental capacity of a brain-damaged cow; for it is life to us if ye keep your faith in the Lord unchanged.
(1:7) By his mercy have ye been guided this far on the path to righteousness; surely ye must not need help further?
(1:8) But, alas, thus far ye have dashed all my hopes and dreams for your people, and ye have been relegated to a barren place in my heart.
(1:9) To think that I relied on you when I could have relied on God, who is not known for such dumbness.
(1:10) But perhaps ye are God’s children because of it, not in spite.
Chapter 2.
(2:1) Ye have done many deeds that force me to reconsider my trust in you.
(2:2) Ye have thus written me thrice regarding my teachings.
(2:3) Where most simply reply once for clarification of things needing expounding upon, ye have been absolutely clueless to my doctrine!
(2:4) Asking me the same questions every letter, ye force my faith in you further and further from my heart.
(2:5) I am disappointed in your apparent lack of progress, as all other churches are doing wonderfully with expanding.
(2:6) Ye, however, exhibit a lack of knowledge that would make even the town fool feel as wise as King Solomon!
(2:7) In your city, there is a doofus born every other moment, a doofus who cannot take the time to understand what it means to be a child of God.
(2:8) I fear that ye have no idea what, or how, I teach.
(2:9) Yet, once, my expectations in you were so great!
(2:10) When first I set out on my journeys, I travelled thousands of leagues in search of those who could inherit the kingdom.
(2:11) I travelled to Rome, Galatia, and many other cities, but in you I found those whom I felt had the potential to love and be loved as God’s faithful children.
(2:12) I thought ye would make excellent disciples, those who would carry out Christ’s mission throughout the world.
(2:13) I believed that ye would become the foremost in the advance of God’s kindgom.
(2:14) I prayed that ye would be the foundations of a new people, as Peter became the foundation for a new church.
(2:15) My faith in you never wavered, and yet ye failed me, my brethren; ye failed me as much as ye failed your heavenly Father.
Chapter III
(3:1) Oh ye Thessalonians, who have fallen so low!
(3:2) Know ye not how much faith I had in you when first we met?
(3:3) When my second letter was sent, I had been relying solely on the positive claims of your first reply to my teachings.
(3:4) Ye were eager pupils, and I anxiously awaited your next letter, praying to God that ye would progress tremendously in wisdom and faith.
(3:5) I fear, however, that ye have remembered little.
(3:6) Ye say that ye have not heard the doctrine of the resurrection, and that ye sorrow still if such hearings be false.
(3:7) Oh ye who are so deaf! Did I not preach these things to you?
(3:8) SORROW. NOT.
(3:9) How many times must I say it?
(3:10) There will be a trumpet.
(3:11) The dead in Christ go to heaven first.
(3:12) We who believe in him will follow.
(3:13) See? Simple. Tattoo ye the preceding sentences on your arms, if it helpeth you. Read this to the holy brethren, although I doubt it will do any good.
(3:14) For even when I was with you, this I commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For I hear that ye act disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies.
(3:15) Now ye that are such I command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that in time ye shall learn the putridity of stupidity.
(3:16) But be not weary, for ye shall need all the brainpower possible to conduct your daily lives.
(3:17) Dear brethren, when ye disturbed me I was writing a letter to your fellow church in Rome, but let me put that aside so I can deal with your questions about how to arrange the chairs during the Lord's supper.
(3:18) Henceforth ye shall arrange them as such: in neat rows lined up in front of the altar, as is aesthetically pleasing to God. But, really, do I have to tell you this myself?
(3:19) Use the minds God your Father gave you, oh Thessalonians! Become wise, men of wisdom, men like gods!
(3:20) But that is too high a standard, I fear; so now I set my decrees for you and for your church.
Chapter IV
(4:1) Brethren, rejoice in one another and in Christ.
(4:2) Work on good deeds, and worry not about the color of the carpets (I prefer red, but that's just me).
(4:3) Be satisfied with oaken pews.
(4:4) Offer each other a kiss, or the soul brother handshake, if appropriate. When ye sing, sing of the glory of God.
(4:5) Do not engage in sexual immorality or thoughts that defile the temple which Christ hath built in your hearts.
(4:6) When ye sing "Proud Mary," sing it slowly and pensively.
(4:7) An up-tempo version leadeth to evil thoughts.
(4:8) As such, brethren, ye must sing all songs slowly and pensively, for no evil thoughts can be allowed in the house of God.
(4:9) For his is a holy house, founded on truth and life, and the Spirit resideth in this house, bringing new life to all who come to dwell in God.
(4:10) Though I doubt ye will understand a single word I have just written, I pray for you to receive the message within these words.
(4:11) However, my love for you only goeth so far.
(4:12) Now I read that ye do not know, and have not heard, the voice of God in your hearts.
(4:13) I am disappointed in you, my brethren!
Chapter V
(5:1) Know ye not of the great love God had, in sending his only son into the world?
(5:2) Oh, when ye hear his voice, harden not your hearts!
(5:3) Go, and buy this one-of-a-kind beachfront property.
(5:4) I, Paul, write this in my own hand: No money down.
(5:5) A great investment in the few days left before Christ's return.
(5:6) Dearest brethren, fear not; I have received your letters, and I had been duly planning a trip to Ephesus until I got your latest idiotic correspondence.
(5:7) Believe ye not what ye have heard? I doubt I could find any followers dumber than you.
(5:8) A group of sheep without a shepherd is still smarter than all of God’s children in Thessalonica put together.
(5:9) I fear for you, my brethren.
(5:10) Long nights have I stayed awake searching for the way that would allow you to comprehend God’s mysteries without injuring yourselves.
Chapter VI
(6:1) But, my dear brethren, I digress.
(6:2) I have received your requests for a new teacher, and, as such, one shall be provided for.
(6:3) I send Phoebe to you, a worthy deaconness.
(6:4) Greet her as ye would greet me.
(6:5) The churches all send their greetings.
(6:6) Furthermore, brethren, Phoebe sendeth news that she hath settled with the brethren in Herodian.
(6:7) Phoebe telleth me that the wolves are loose in your community: heed not their words!
(6:8) And brethren, when ye write me next, tell me: Have ye heard anything of Phoebe? Oh, that her wisdom might be able to save you, my brethren, still!
(6:9) May my prayers for you come to pass, then, else ye all rot in Gehenna
(6:10) The grace and peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all of you.
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